On November 5, 2012 we were excited to find out we would be having another little baby join our family. It was a shock to both of us, but we were excited none the less. Because of the tubal pregnancy I had in the past, I went in for an ultrasound when I was "6.5 weeks" along. Everything looked good, except the baby was only measuring 5 weeks in size due to a possible late ovulation period. Fast forward less than 1 week, and we have since lost our sweet little baby. So many emotions have come with this miscarriage that I cannot even begin to put them all down into words. There is a feeling of emptiness for the baby that I once carried is no longer there. There is a feeling of failure in myself. As if I feel like there is something wrong with my body that I have now lost 2 pregnancies (one to the tubal and one to the miscarriage). There is a feeling a grief that this baby will never be held in my arms. I will never kiss the baby goodnight and watch it sleep. There is a feeling of overwhelming love for the baby that I can only pray that it feels.
Then there is a feeling of peace and change. To some this may seem like a weird feeling to have. I have spent a lot of hours thinking and processing what has happened and there are a few things that I know in my heart are true.
1) Everything happens for a reason. This baby was only meant to be ours for a few short weeks. I sit and think that this happened because maybe there was something fundamentally wrong with the pregnancy. I count my blessings that this miscarriage happened when it did. Since it had to happen (I don't know why but I trust in my Heavenly Father that there was a reason for it), I am so grateful that it happened at the beginning of my pregnancy instead of further along. Or even worse, after the baby was born.
2) This has been a learning experience. It has taught me that I can make it through gut wrentching things in my life and come out stronger. I can come out of something with a goal in my mind. There are many things I want to do and accomplish before we have another baby. I had those goals in my head before we were pregnant, but I have been given the extra push and time to complete them. Goals of making changes in my (our) lives so that we can be better financially, emotionally and stronger as a family. My family is my entire life and I can only thank God every single day for the amazing husband and children I have. They are lifes greatest pleasure and for them I am so very blessed.
3) We want more children. Yes we may only have one more. I don't know right now. I can't tell you what our future holds. If I am able to provide for my children financially, emotionally and lovingly than if the opportunity presents itself for more than that, I will take it. I am putting that in God's hands because he has his plan for us. He knows what we can and cannot handle. As of now though, we would like one more baby in our family. Yes I am not going to lie that I am praying for another little girl. Not right now. Maybe a year down the road or so, but like I said, only time will tell.
With Christmas right around the corner I am reminded every day how many blessings and miracles I have in my life. Amazing family and friends. Amazing jobs that I am able to do. Yes, there are things that will need and require changing. There are personal goals that I want to accomplish, and I will do those things. In time, everything is possible as long as you put your mind and your heart into it.
May God bless every single one of you with the peace, comfort and happiness that you all deserve. Please know that each and every person in my life is/was there for a reason. I have loved each one of you and have learned something from each of you as well. Thank you for everything.
~Me
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